Life’s Too Short

January 28, 2010 at 8:21 pm | Posted in Blogroll, Music, Quotes | 8 Comments
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This is going to be…a different blog today. A little backwards from normal…but we’re getting back to normal.

So here goes.

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done…life’s too short

Could this be….
Could this be the day I’ve waited for?

Life’s too short. Life is too short not to be happy.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to just stop what I’m doing and scream. I want to scream so loud because it hurts so much. Nothing has ever hurt this bad. It’s constant. It doesn’t come in waves. It’s a permanent ache.

But…I’m strong. I can do this. God did not bring me here if I couldn’t handle it.

I’ve accomplished a lot already. Every day…I want to call him. I want to share my excitement with him.

But I may never be with him again. So I need to start being excited for myself…and letting go…because nothing is certain except what I do with myself, by myself, for myself.

I’m proud of myself though. Really proud. Part of me wants him to know…because he would be proud too. But…if he decides I’m not the person for him…then he has made his decision to not share in the highlights. And I’ve got to be ok with that.

I’ve done some things this week that I honestly never thought I could, or would, do. I am starting to let go of my fears. I’m starting to really believe in myself. It’s a great feeling. *Sperl, you know what the BIG thing is… 🙂 Thanks for helping with that one, girl.*

I’m working on 5 things. Faith, Trust, Love, Confidence, and Strength. I need to have more faith in God. I also need to have more faith in myself, and I still have faith in Tracy. I know he is going to do what is best for him. And I’ll do what’s best for me. I need to work on trust…in a really big way. I don’t trust myself, my decisions, or my judgment. If I can’t trust myself, how can I even begin to trust someone else? I did make a pretty big decision this week…and I haven’t questioned it once. So that is one positive step. I also need to work on loving myself. Again, I have to love me before someone else can love me. Those both tie in to confidence. I need to have a LOT more confidence. That will come with time. And if I can manage all those things, I know it will make me a stronger person.

So…I’m working on healing. I’m working on ME. It’s not our relationship that was broken…it was us as individuals. If we are supposed to be together….then we will find our way back to each other once we’ve had some time to fix our own issues. And if this break helps us realize we aren’t supposed to be together…then that’s the way God wants it. Either way, I know I will come out a better person, and I’m sure Tracy will as well.

I’m trying to have faith. I’m trying to be positive. There are parts of me that are still full of doubt. There are parts of me that just want him back…no matter what. But…that doesn’t fix the issue. I still feel like he’s the one I’m supposed to be with…but only time will tell. I’m hoping the pain gets a little better in time, but I know I can handle it. I’ve handled worse.

So…the blog might be a little more serious. Some “real” parts of me might sneak in now and then…but for the most part…I’m going to try and focus on ME…and the more positive parts of me in here.

Also, I think the “Work Week” section is going to be dropped unless something major happens.

So let’s get on with it.

Workout Week:

2ish miles Monday with the downstairs neighbor. It was superfun!!! We ran a GREAT hill that I thought I would NOT be able to go up…but I kept going. I ran…and ran…and went UP the WHOLE hill without stopping. This thing is a MONSTER…and I did it. I didn’t think I could but I did. HA!

Talked to mom about upcoming races. She’s gonna pay some of my entry fees so it’s not as hard for me to get by. YAY!!!!!!

Poll results……DUM DA DUM!!!!!!!!!!

Well it’s a tie. 35% for Rumpass in Bumpass, and 35% for BOTH. Honestly, I’m leaning towards both. We’ll see. 🙂

Knitting Week:

Not a lot. Still need to finish the second baby hat…really frustrated with Aunt Cynth’s scarf…don’t feel like casting on anything…but that’s ok. I’ve got plenty of other stuff to do.

Did see some nifty sheep though! Was going to take more pictures but a car came up behind me…

Very fun sheep-ies!! Anyone know what breed this might be??

Very fun sheep-ies!! Anyone know what breed this might be??

Favorite:

This week’s favorite…aside from any and all medications that allow me to stop thinking and sleep…is Librivox. You can download a TON of books to your ipod…for FREE!!!!!

Granted, these may not be books that people want to read on a regular basis…but it’s the classics. Almost any book in the “public domain” is out there!!! AWESOMENESS!!!!!!! For the dork in me, I can listen to Walden by Henry David Thoreau…and Origin of Species by Darwin….do you know how much that rocks?!?!?!

But they have a lot of really great stuff, mysteries, poetry, everything!

Other Junk:

Ok so it flooded like WOAH down here. The rivers rose so high a lot of schools were closed most of the week. On my drive to work, I could tell that at one point over the weekend the river had been completely covering where my car was and my car would have been fully under water the river was up so high.

Some people now have waterfalls in their yards where landscaping used to be. I’ve never seen flooding this bad in person!

Worked on fiddling this week. I’m…really not that bad at it. I’m kind of shy about it because…I never expected to be good at it. I’m really excited though. The next paycheck is due any day now and I’ve rearranged finances so I can afford one fiddle lesson a month!!!!!!

SO excited!!!

I did attempt to buy a fiddle rest…and…I don’t think the guy gave me the right one. Must correct this soon.

I also had traffic court this week for my super-awesome ticket…but it’s all good. I got a day off work, so that’s good, right??

After court…I spent some time driving around. Took some pictures of the ice storm damage…listened to music…

Everywhere I turned there were trees with their tops snapped off. Not limbs...TOPS.

Everywhere I turned there were trees with their tops snapped off. Not limbs...TOPS.

 

There was also a super-awesome horse...sculpture/statue? made of wood.

There was also a super-awesome horse...sculpture/statue? made of wood.

 

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

There’s been a lot of music listening as of late. So many songs that either pick me up…or say what I want to say. Things I wish I could tell him. But…I’m keeping my distance. He wants time…I can give him that.

Even if I do want to violently shake him and tell him to cut this crap out because I know we’re both more miserable now than we ever were together. We were never miserable. We barely fought.

Oh the things I would say to him if I could…

But mostly the violent shaking. 🙂

Anyways. It’s supposed to snow here this weekend AGAIN…so that’s going to be great for my running. I really should go run today since it’s not freezing outside. It’s only semi-frostbite.

******Edit*******

I didn’t run like I should have. WHY, you ask? Well…because shortly after writing this draft on Wednesday…I realized I had driven the HOUR back to my “home” from traffic court this morning (awesomeness) for dead tags…and junk…only to realize that I FORGOT TO CAT SIT AND GIVE MY COUSIN THE KEY….both the cousin and the needy cat….back at HOME-HOME….an hour away. So…I had to jump in the car…drive an HOUR Home-home….cat sit and all that mess, THEN an HOUR to a Dr’s appointment…then 40 min back to “home”.

That’s a whopping total of close to 4 hours of driving in one day…and really I never went more than 45 miles away….just…did 45 miles 4 times. I could have almost made it to the freaking beach. I could have made it to three different states. Yeah. That’s absurd.

But moving out.

Sincere Shoutout:

This week’s shoutout is to each and every person who posted on my previous post. You have no idea how much your words, thoughts, and prayers touched me. I love all you guys so much. Just the fact that you read this babble…makes me smile. And when you care enough to comment…it makes my day. I love it so much. So thanks guys. Thanks for being there, thanks for reading, and thanks for helping me through this.

Crash

April 23, 2009 at 10:04 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
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 Back it up, back it up
You got it, you got it
Put your hands up, put your hands up
You got it, you got it
Drive back baby to me fast in your car
I’m here waiting, crash into me real hard

Well. I crashed. Hard. Like…in to a very solid object kind of hard. I didn’t have it. I kind of already had my hands up…and there was a car involved.

What was I attempting to do, you ask? Oh…just attempting to balance like any normal 12 year old is fully capable of doing.

I was trying to get my water bottle, drink it, and put it back while biking.

I failed. Miserably.

Did I mention I haven’t been biking that long? And um…I’m NOT very good at it…

OH!!!!!! And did I also mention I have a triathlon this Sunday that involves 15 miles of biking!?!??!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

So…I tried to drink…and…well I managed to get the bottle out, take a sip, but replacing it was where things went awry. I had to choose between pavement and a parked car…and I was in no way capable of hitting the breaks. And I was going downhill…so…I toppled over. And skidded along the ground. Twas awesome.

The rest of the damage is in the form of some awesome road rash on my elbow…

Also, I realized I forgot to update you on my birthday festivities. 🙂 I turned the big 2-5 on Easter. Here are some of the highlights real quick.

The evil, evil boyfriend thought giving me a present and putting a note on it that said DO NOT TOUCH would be fun. You have no idea how hard things like that are for me…and probably for most girls….and 4 year olds. 🙂 I mean…PRESENT….leave alone!?!?! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!

I was a wee bit excited when I discovered what was inside. Tickets to UT’s season opener. The football game of my dreams with my favorite team ever…my very first college football game. Yeah. I’m 25. I go to a major football school…but it’s not MY team. MY team is UT. And I refused to have my first college game anywhere but Neyland. Labor Day weekend. Yeah buddy. 🙂 🙂 🙂

The other best present ever. From my daddy. This is the grill off his tractor. The tractor…well…it crashed too. So before we parted it out, I told dad I wanted the grill. That tractor is the very first thing I learned to drive. I sat on dad’s lap. That tractor has always been a symbol of my dad…and that grill meant everything to me. And now the tractor is gone…but I’ve got what matters. My memories. And my grill.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. Back on track now.

Tuesday night at the tri meeting…I got to be close to a dream of mine.

That. Is a Boston Marathon medal. I got to TOUCH a Boston medal. I know someone who RAN BOSTON. If you run…then you KNOW what I’m talking about. I mean…BOSTON. It’s the Holy Grail. It’s the Big Dance. It’s the Superbowl. It’s BOSTON. And I touched it. Mmmmmmm Boston.

And speaking of Boston…TiVo missed tivoing it. If I could punish a box of electronic components and computer chips…I so would. But alas…TiVo doesn’t understand why I’m mad…and unplugging it will only make things worse and cause me to reset the entire system…but still. I’m very upset about this matter.

But life goes on. And bikes will crash, tivo’s will fail, and Boston will still be Boston.

Tomorrow…I’m getting back on the bike. Oh, and for the record, after crashing and cleaning up, I went back out for another 25 minutes and stayed upright! YAY!!! I’m going to try for 8 miles tomorrow…get some good hills in because I hear the tri course is HILLY. Then…hold on tight and wait for Sunday. I talked to my trainer after my crash as well and she REALLY helped. She said she’s seen plenty of people get off the bike, and PUSH it up a hill. That really helped. So if I need a drink, gosh darnit I’m pulling over!!! Time doesn’t matter to me. Keeping my blood in my body does.

I’m assuming it’s going to be rough. I’m hoping for some adreniline…and I’m going to give it my best. There will be pictures. Lots.

So in Knitting News…I tried to recycle a sweater…Went to Goodwill…grabbed a good sweater with the proper seaming for unravling…

And set about trying to properly cut it and unravel…

Fail. Big fail. Good news is that I bought more than one sweater and next week I’ll be wandering to knitting group for recycling help!!!

Now let’s throw some shoutouts in….

One for Trainer…seriously, you made EVERYTHING better today. You have no idea how much you helped.

One for Kim…thanks for making my kid’s day better by making fun of me. Seriously, that rocks.

And one for Dr. Physics!!! I hear you saw my momma today and it appears as though you may occasionally stop by my blog…which ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!! HI DR PHYSICS!!!!!!!!! If you read this, I STILL MISS PHYSICS CLASS!!!!! 🙂 Best. Professor. EVER!!!!!!!

Well, let’s all give three cheers for me updating when I said I would!!! The next time you’ll hear from me will be after the tri!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!!!!!

Oh. And after the tri….the REAL training starts!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Pain…

August 26, 2008 at 3:56 pm | Posted in running, Training | 4 Comments
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Pain, without love
Pain, I can’t get enough
Pain, I like it rough
‘Cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all

Ow. So in pain. Trainer kicked my boo-TAY yesterday.

And I loved it.

We did hill repeats. 4 miles of running. 4 miles of awesome.

Actually I wanted to die after because I hadn’t run in a week and had NEVER done hills like that. We did the cross country course so…it was some slow going at times. But I made it. AND on the last run up, I kept going. We’d only been doing the lower half (steeper) of the hill because it was SOOO long…but I kept going. All the way to the top. My trainer was shocked.

What I didn’t realize is that we were going to do MORE running after that. She’d made some comment about what a great job I’d done….I didn’t realize we were only HALF WAY. *dies*

But it was awesome. I’m so proud.

Again, I’m a BAMF. Right Erika??

School has started so…kinda busy with that, but the awesome part is some of the girls in my class (We’re all moving through the program together so I’m with the same people in the same classes allllllll day) run during our 2 hour lunch break…so Thursday I’m running with some of them! SO excited!!! YAY running buddies + no excuse to be a slacker.

AND…furthermore I found ANOTHER run club in town!!!! 🙂 I’m becoming more and more like Miss Erika every day. HA. I wish. She’s my idol. Lol.

Anyway…I can’t do run club this wednesday…don’t know if I mentioned that or not yet. I’ve got meetings until 7. But if that’s my only rest day…that’s awesome. This running with my class thing is AWESOME. I can’t wait. And my trainer will be SO proud.

Ok. Our class break is over. Gotta run!!!

It’s Just Ten Percent Luck

July 26, 2008 at 10:28 pm | Posted in running, Training | 2 Comments
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Twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure
Fifty percent pain

Actually right now we’re at about 80% pain. Oooooooh my gosh I hurt. It hurts to laugh, it hurts to bend over, it hurts to sit, it hurts to lift things….

Pretty much the only muscles that don’t totally hate me are in my legs!! HA!

I did about 2 miles with Shiloh this morning. It was getting SUPER humid out but he did pretty good. I’m really excited to have him to run with…and the fact that I am getting PAID to take him for a run….even better.

So tomorrow is a rest day…looking forward to that. Especially with just about every muscle screaming at me, rest sounds awesome.

Now if only I could sleep through the night… 🙂

I Want To Ride My Bicycle

June 27, 2008 at 7:06 pm | Posted in Cross Training, running, Training | 2 Comments
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I do NOT want to ride my bicycle, I do not want to ride my bike.

Ow.

Pain.

Trainer hurt me.

We did a spin class type thing today. And let me tell you…I sure can run for 40 minutes…but BIKE?? Apparently not.

Now I have never been a good biker…at all. But I did not know I could be bad on a level this low. About 10 minutes in I wanted to cry. I no longer felt my hamstrings or glutes. At all.

And Trainer is just perking away on the bike beside me going “And stand and pedal…and sit and pedal….and stand and pedal….and sit and pedal” And I’m thinking “And stand and try to run away….and sit and try not to whimper…”

Nah, it wasn’t THAT bad but MAN I hurt. I have never sweat that much during an indoor activity in my LIFE. And see, this is why I have her…because I HAVE been on a stationary bike before for what I THOUGHT was exercise. Apparently my version of exercise was seriously wrong. Thank you, Trainer, for showing me the error of my ways.

So after the biking…and after I regained some feeling in my legs…we did abs and arms. Medicine ball work today. And some other lesser forms of torture. 🙂

Ow.

Other than that I made salmon for dinner (YUM) so I’m pleased. Friday is “fish day” because a local company drives to the shore and picks up fresh fish once a week then trucks it back up here so we inlanders can get REAL fish. It’s awesome.

Tomorrow…I shall attempt a long run. I shall. Provided my legs allow movement.

So right now I’m going to go “carb load”.

Also known as I’m going to find ice cream and pig out.

🙂

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