Yesterday

January 24, 2010 at 10:01 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments
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Yesterday….before 10am….all my troubles seemed so far away.

This isn’t going to be a normal post…I…don’t know how normal my posts are going to be for awhile.

Normally I don’t get very personal on this blog, but right now…I just have to get this out.

I lost…everything yesterday.

My boyfriend and I broke up.

And it was mostly my fault.

Ya see, regardless of how I seem on this blog, I am the most insecure person you will ever meet. I never think I’m pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough. A lot of it stems from a really bad relationship I was in when I was 18…but it’s just kind of been stuck that way for awhile.

And I’ve tried…especially this time I really tried. But I keep making the same mistakes. I freak out if he goes out to bars. I freak out if he goes out with his friends. There is ALWAYS this huge fear in me that he will find another girl and leave me.

And ya know what? He left me. Not for another girl, but because he was tired of walking on eggshells around me. I pushed him too far.

And I am so terrified I can’t fix it.

I’ve never known what it’s like to feel secure in a relationship. I won’t let myself. I try to protect myself at all times from getting hurt. And guess what? This hurts more. I lost the person I thought I was going to marry. Yesterday I lost my best friend. My world.

To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

He did everything he could and more to show me that I was his world. And I realized it too late. I realized it last night when he told me it was over.

I have never in my life loved someone like this and I don’t think I ever will again. He was it. He was THAT person. He was the one that I could get better with. He was the one that was willing to hold my hand through all my really bad times. He was understanding. We never had a really bad fight.

Until last night.

That’s why this is so hard. Normally when relationships end…it’s a downward spiral. There wasn’t. There was one big trip….and a huge, huge, monsterous fall.

I can’t even begin to understand how to move on. I keep praying he’ll call. I keep praying he’ll let me make this right. For all the times I put him through hell, for all the times I messed up….I just want to be able to show him that I realize now…that I CAN be that person he saw in me.

I know I can trust him. I know he loved me. He would never have hurt me or cheated on me. I think…this would hurt less if he had. At least then I could find a flaw in him and say THAT’s why I don’t want to be with him anymore.

But there aren’t any. There could not have ever been a more perfect guy. I know I should be thankful that I had him while it lasted…but…it just can’t end like this.

I loved him too much. And I let my fear get in the way.

I would give him the world. I would give him everything. I would give him the love and support he gave me a thousand times over….if only I could.

But…I think it’s too late. I hope and pray to God it’s not. I feel like I need this chance….more than anything…because of ALL people…he needs to know that I CAN be that person. I CAN be what he was to me. I want him to have the chance to see that side of me. I want to give him what he gave me. I would do anything for that chance.

I’m so terrified it won’t come.

I really believe there’s one person out there for everyone. And I lost mine yesterday.

So for now, all I can do is pray.

He is the person for me. And I know I was his person. I just can’t let this go…unless I can show him, really show him, just how much he means to me and how much I realize what I did wrong.

I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I just hope I didn’t make one too many.

I’m praying that if he still loves me…he’ll give me one last chance. I just can’t walk away with him thinking I can’t ever change. Because…he’s the only person worth letting all those fears go for. He’s the only person that I trust enough with my heart. He’s the only person that deserves it. He’s the only person that won’t ever hurt me.

I see that now.

God, I hope it’s not too late.

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9 Comments »

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  1. Courtney, I’m really sorry. =( I think trusting another person is the most difficult thing to do, especially since people often make mistakes, but it’s difficult the most because you’re allowing yourself to be open to whatever comes of it. But if you believe that you’re following the direction your life is meant to go, that also applies to the people you choose to be around.

    I wish I could give you a hug or something. Just know that you’re not alone right now. =)

  2. I am so sorry 😦

    Trusting other people is really hard for me too, but just remember that no one is perfect.

    You never know… Maybe he will come back.

  3. Oh I am so sorry! I’m praying for God’s comfort and direction for you.

  4. Thinking of you 😦 Im sure we’ve all been there and if it’s really supposed to happen, it will 😦
    Chin up, become who you want to be!

  5. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) take care girl!

  6. Sorry girl, my heart is with you πŸ™‚

  7. Awww… I’m so sorry. Breakups can be so hard. I hope that he comes back. Does he ever read your blog? If he does, then he will see how you are feeling and maybe come back. I will keep you in my prayers- be strong.

  8. […] week’s shoutout is to each and every person who posted on my previous post. You have no idea how much your words, thoughts, and prayers touched me. I love all you guys so […]

  9. Oh love.

    I’m so sorry for what happened. Please hold on tight. Keep yourself tight. Come running with me to clear your head.

    here’s a hug all the way from the other side of the world.

    Hey, its not yet the end. its just the beginning. always look forward for BETTER DAYS!


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