Life’s Too Short

January 28, 2010 at 8:21 pm | Posted in Blogroll, Music, Quotes | 8 Comments
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This is going to be…a different blog today. A little backwards from normal…but we’re getting back to normal.

So here goes.

Oh I am young but I have aged
Waited long to seize the day
All things said and plenty done…life’s too short

Could this be….
Could this be the day I’ve waited for?

Life’s too short. Life is too short not to be happy.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to just stop what I’m doing and scream. I want to scream so loud because it hurts so much. Nothing has ever hurt this bad. It’s constant. It doesn’t come in waves. It’s a permanent ache.

But…I’m strong. I can do this. God did not bring me here if I couldn’t handle it.

I’ve accomplished a lot already. Every day…I want to call him. I want to share my excitement with him.

But I may never be with him again. So I need to start being excited for myself…and letting go…because nothing is certain except what I do with myself, by myself, for myself.

I’m proud of myself though. Really proud. Part of me wants him to know…because he would be proud too. But…if he decides I’m not the person for him…then he has made his decision to not share in the highlights. And I’ve got to be ok with that.

I’ve done some things this week that I honestly never thought I could, or would, do. I am starting to let go of my fears. I’m starting to really believe in myself. It’s a great feeling. *Sperl, you know what the BIG thing is… 🙂 Thanks for helping with that one, girl.*

I’m working on 5 things. Faith, Trust, Love, Confidence, and Strength. I need to have more faith in God. I also need to have more faith in myself, and I still have faith in Tracy. I know he is going to do what is best for him. And I’ll do what’s best for me. I need to work on trust…in a really big way. I don’t trust myself, my decisions, or my judgment. If I can’t trust myself, how can I even begin to trust someone else? I did make a pretty big decision this week…and I haven’t questioned it once. So that is one positive step. I also need to work on loving myself. Again, I have to love me before someone else can love me. Those both tie in to confidence. I need to have a LOT more confidence. That will come with time. And if I can manage all those things, I know it will make me a stronger person.

So…I’m working on healing. I’m working on ME. It’s not our relationship that was broken…it was us as individuals. If we are supposed to be together….then we will find our way back to each other once we’ve had some time to fix our own issues. And if this break helps us realize we aren’t supposed to be together…then that’s the way God wants it. Either way, I know I will come out a better person, and I’m sure Tracy will as well.

I’m trying to have faith. I’m trying to be positive. There are parts of me that are still full of doubt. There are parts of me that just want him back…no matter what. But…that doesn’t fix the issue. I still feel like he’s the one I’m supposed to be with…but only time will tell. I’m hoping the pain gets a little better in time, but I know I can handle it. I’ve handled worse.

So…the blog might be a little more serious. Some “real” parts of me might sneak in now and then…but for the most part…I’m going to try and focus on ME…and the more positive parts of me in here.

Also, I think the “Work Week” section is going to be dropped unless something major happens.

So let’s get on with it.

Workout Week:

2ish miles Monday with the downstairs neighbor. It was superfun!!! We ran a GREAT hill that I thought I would NOT be able to go up…but I kept going. I ran…and ran…and went UP the WHOLE hill without stopping. This thing is a MONSTER…and I did it. I didn’t think I could but I did. HA!

Talked to mom about upcoming races. She’s gonna pay some of my entry fees so it’s not as hard for me to get by. YAY!!!!!!

Poll results……DUM DA DUM!!!!!!!!!!

Well it’s a tie. 35% for Rumpass in Bumpass, and 35% for BOTH. Honestly, I’m leaning towards both. We’ll see. 🙂

Knitting Week:

Not a lot. Still need to finish the second baby hat…really frustrated with Aunt Cynth’s scarf…don’t feel like casting on anything…but that’s ok. I’ve got plenty of other stuff to do.

Did see some nifty sheep though! Was going to take more pictures but a car came up behind me…

Very fun sheep-ies!! Anyone know what breed this might be??

Very fun sheep-ies!! Anyone know what breed this might be??

Favorite:

This week’s favorite…aside from any and all medications that allow me to stop thinking and sleep…is Librivox. You can download a TON of books to your ipod…for FREE!!!!!

Granted, these may not be books that people want to read on a regular basis…but it’s the classics. Almost any book in the “public domain” is out there!!! AWESOMENESS!!!!!!! For the dork in me, I can listen to Walden by Henry David Thoreau…and Origin of Species by Darwin….do you know how much that rocks?!?!?!

But they have a lot of really great stuff, mysteries, poetry, everything!

Other Junk:

Ok so it flooded like WOAH down here. The rivers rose so high a lot of schools were closed most of the week. On my drive to work, I could tell that at one point over the weekend the river had been completely covering where my car was and my car would have been fully under water the river was up so high.

Some people now have waterfalls in their yards where landscaping used to be. I’ve never seen flooding this bad in person!

Worked on fiddling this week. I’m…really not that bad at it. I’m kind of shy about it because…I never expected to be good at it. I’m really excited though. The next paycheck is due any day now and I’ve rearranged finances so I can afford one fiddle lesson a month!!!!!!

SO excited!!!

I did attempt to buy a fiddle rest…and…I don’t think the guy gave me the right one. Must correct this soon.

I also had traffic court this week for my super-awesome ticket…but it’s all good. I got a day off work, so that’s good, right??

After court…I spent some time driving around. Took some pictures of the ice storm damage…listened to music…

Everywhere I turned there were trees with their tops snapped off. Not limbs...TOPS.

Everywhere I turned there were trees with their tops snapped off. Not limbs...TOPS.

 

There was also a super-awesome horse...sculpture/statue? made of wood.

There was also a super-awesome horse...sculpture/statue? made of wood.

 

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

There’s been a lot of music listening as of late. So many songs that either pick me up…or say what I want to say. Things I wish I could tell him. But…I’m keeping my distance. He wants time…I can give him that.

Even if I do want to violently shake him and tell him to cut this crap out because I know we’re both more miserable now than we ever were together. We were never miserable. We barely fought.

Oh the things I would say to him if I could…

But mostly the violent shaking. 🙂

Anyways. It’s supposed to snow here this weekend AGAIN…so that’s going to be great for my running. I really should go run today since it’s not freezing outside. It’s only semi-frostbite.

******Edit*******

I didn’t run like I should have. WHY, you ask? Well…because shortly after writing this draft on Wednesday…I realized I had driven the HOUR back to my “home” from traffic court this morning (awesomeness) for dead tags…and junk…only to realize that I FORGOT TO CAT SIT AND GIVE MY COUSIN THE KEY….both the cousin and the needy cat….back at HOME-HOME….an hour away. So…I had to jump in the car…drive an HOUR Home-home….cat sit and all that mess, THEN an HOUR to a Dr’s appointment…then 40 min back to “home”.

That’s a whopping total of close to 4 hours of driving in one day…and really I never went more than 45 miles away….just…did 45 miles 4 times. I could have almost made it to the freaking beach. I could have made it to three different states. Yeah. That’s absurd.

But moving out.

Sincere Shoutout:

This week’s shoutout is to each and every person who posted on my previous post. You have no idea how much your words, thoughts, and prayers touched me. I love all you guys so much. Just the fact that you read this babble…makes me smile. And when you care enough to comment…it makes my day. I love it so much. So thanks guys. Thanks for being there, thanks for reading, and thanks for helping me through this.

Yesterday

January 24, 2010 at 10:01 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments
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Yesterday….before 10am….all my troubles seemed so far away.

This isn’t going to be a normal post…I…don’t know how normal my posts are going to be for awhile.

Normally I don’t get very personal on this blog, but right now…I just have to get this out.

I lost…everything yesterday.

My boyfriend and I broke up.

And it was mostly my fault.

Ya see, regardless of how I seem on this blog, I am the most insecure person you will ever meet. I never think I’m pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough. A lot of it stems from a really bad relationship I was in when I was 18…but it’s just kind of been stuck that way for awhile.

And I’ve tried…especially this time I really tried. But I keep making the same mistakes. I freak out if he goes out to bars. I freak out if he goes out with his friends. There is ALWAYS this huge fear in me that he will find another girl and leave me.

And ya know what? He left me. Not for another girl, but because he was tired of walking on eggshells around me. I pushed him too far.

And I am so terrified I can’t fix it.

I’ve never known what it’s like to feel secure in a relationship. I won’t let myself. I try to protect myself at all times from getting hurt. And guess what? This hurts more. I lost the person I thought I was going to marry. Yesterday I lost my best friend. My world.

To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

He did everything he could and more to show me that I was his world. And I realized it too late. I realized it last night when he told me it was over.

I have never in my life loved someone like this and I don’t think I ever will again. He was it. He was THAT person. He was the one that I could get better with. He was the one that was willing to hold my hand through all my really bad times. He was understanding. We never had a really bad fight.

Until last night.

That’s why this is so hard. Normally when relationships end…it’s a downward spiral. There wasn’t. There was one big trip….and a huge, huge, monsterous fall.

I can’t even begin to understand how to move on. I keep praying he’ll call. I keep praying he’ll let me make this right. For all the times I put him through hell, for all the times I messed up….I just want to be able to show him that I realize now…that I CAN be that person he saw in me.

I know I can trust him. I know he loved me. He would never have hurt me or cheated on me. I think…this would hurt less if he had. At least then I could find a flaw in him and say THAT’s why I don’t want to be with him anymore.

But there aren’t any. There could not have ever been a more perfect guy. I know I should be thankful that I had him while it lasted…but…it just can’t end like this.

I loved him too much. And I let my fear get in the way.

I would give him the world. I would give him everything. I would give him the love and support he gave me a thousand times over….if only I could.

But…I think it’s too late. I hope and pray to God it’s not. I feel like I need this chance….more than anything…because of ALL people…he needs to know that I CAN be that person. I CAN be what he was to me. I want him to have the chance to see that side of me. I want to give him what he gave me. I would do anything for that chance.

I’m so terrified it won’t come.

I really believe there’s one person out there for everyone. And I lost mine yesterday.

So for now, all I can do is pray.

He is the person for me. And I know I was his person. I just can’t let this go…unless I can show him, really show him, just how much he means to me and how much I realize what I did wrong.

I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I just hope I didn’t make one too many.

I’m praying that if he still loves me…he’ll give me one last chance. I just can’t walk away with him thinking I can’t ever change. Because…he’s the only person worth letting all those fears go for. He’s the only person that I trust enough with my heart. He’s the only person that deserves it. He’s the only person that won’t ever hurt me.

I see that now.

God, I hope it’s not too late.

Tell It To Me

January 21, 2010 at 6:37 pm | Posted in Blogroll | 9 Comments
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I’m sitting here watching it get icy and cheering the ice on…may as well post this now!

Well….I’m gonna tell it to ya. Thanks to Sperly, I’ve been tagged to Pay It Forward and share 7 fun facts!!!!

So they might not all be fun…but…there will at least be a FEW you guys don’t know!

So here we go………

1. Every post title of my blog is also a song title or lyric. This one is “Tell It To Me” by Old Crow Medicine Show. *nod* Every one. There might be one or two outliers….but as far as I recollect, they’re all song-related. 🙂

2. I am a huge, huge, huge, HUGE University of Tennessee football fan. It doesn’t matter HOW bad their season is, I still love them whole-heartedly. Every minute. Love it.

My first ever UT game.

My first ever UT game.

Even though I went to Virginia Tech…UT is where my heart is. I refused…flat out REFUSED to go to a college football game until I could go to a UT game. My very first EVER college football game simply HAD to be at UT. And it was, thanks to Trace.

I love my vols, and all things Tennessee Orange. No matter what, I love my team. If you look at my house, you can see that. There’s a little bit of UT in every single room.

3. I want to be a vet. I LOVE veterinary medicine. Specifically, I want to be a large animal vet. If it has to do with cows, I will BE there. I love cows, I love doing anything vet-related….and if I can manage it, I WILL be a vet. You have no idea….I love it so much.

4. I have saved every one of my bib numbers from all of my races. I have them hung up in my office. I don’t know why I started…probably because I was so proud I actually finished a race. Haha. But…ever since, I’ve been hanging them up.

I seriously turned in my desk chair and took this picture while writing this post. And that's a UT flag in the bottom left corner.

I seriously turned in my desk chair and took this picture while writing this post. And that's a UT flag in the bottom left corner.

5. I like to draw/paint/etc. Always have. Some of my stuff is decent, some is SUPER random and crappy. 🙂 Maybe if I had more time…I could come up with something good…but most days it’s randomness.

Sunset painting...and the name of my favorite beach. Eh...

Sunset painting...and the name of my favorite beach. Eh...

Sketch of a Garfield comic strip. Taken on a camera phone so...yeah.

Sketch of a Garfield comic strip. Taken on a camera phone so...yeah.

6. I love to bake. I occasionally bake cookies of all varities and mail them across the country to differnt friends. I loooooooove to bake. Love. However…I enjoy baking more than I apparently enjoy eating what I bake. So…I mail it.

7. I used to work in repossessions. Yep. I stole for a living! Well, I basically stalked people and got information to give to the field agents who THEN stole the cars/trucks/tractors/boats/RV’s/tractortrailers/etc. So let me offer some advice…DON’T PUT YOUR PERSONAL INFO UP ON MYSPACE IF YOU ARE IN DEBT. Seriously, I got a girl’s info off there…she had her full name, her husband’s name, her workplace, her dog’s names, pictures of her house, and pictures of the car that we needed to steal ALL on myspace. I told my agent to ask how “Fluffy” was doing when he got to the house.

Well, hope you guys enjoyed!!!!

Now it’s your turn!!!!!!! I tag…….

1. Brian

2. Kassy

3. Jordan

4. Karen

5. Kathleen

6. ScrappyTBear

7. I’m Going To Tri

Let’s see what you guys have!!!!! And anyone else who plays along and lists their 7, leave me a comment so I can come visit!!!!

Also don’t forget the poll in the last post!!! *points down*

Next Go ‘Round

January 18, 2010 at 7:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments
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It’s been awhile guys!!!

I’ve been busy though, so that’s good, right?

So let’s get started.

The Work Week(s):

Well, I’m gonna be honest, the first week back was ROUGH. So tired. So very, very tired. Second week, not as bad, but I got sick a little bit. Blah.

Also, I tried bribing my kids to pass their benchmark test…it didn’t work. Ugh.

And that’s all I have to say about work. Might delete this section because…really…I don’t like to talk about it!!!!

The Workout Week:

Yeeeeeah!!!! I ran on the elliptical, I ran OUTSIDE because it was WARM for the first time in FOREVER….I also went for a little walk today.

Big news though….

*drumroll*

I have picked out my 2010 race schedule for the most part!!!

Here are the highlights. 5K’s excluded…those come and go as they please.

June 5, 2010 – Trail Nut Half Marathon brought to you by Mountain Junkies!!!! My favorite race series/director/whatever EVER!!!!! My first ever 5K was a Mountain Junkies race. I’m offically a Mountain Junkies junky. Hehe.

Oct 2010 – Gonna try for the MCM again. *nods* Yep. I should do that. Gonna try! 4 months is enough between a half and a full, right? That’s a good schedule, yes?

Now, the big question, I need YOUR help on this!!!!!

April 17 – Mill Mountain Mayhem 10K (Another Mountain Junkies)

OR

April 18 – Rumpass in Bumpass Sprint Triathlon.

What to do, guys? What to do?!?!?!

So…go vote!!!

******************************EDIT*********************************

So…the poll IS annonymous…didn’t mean for it to be…but I’d love to know what you voted for, so feel free to leave it as a comment as well!!! But as long as you vote in the poll, I’m a happy camper!!!

*******************************************************************

The Knitting Week:

Big news, guys!! Big news!!!!!!!!!!

Guess who has now entered in to the world of SPINNING!!!!!!!

*points at self*

Yeah, that’s right!!!!

I took this...

I took this...

...and made that!!!

...and made that!!!

Yeah, it’s not much…but I’m working on it. I’m not too good at getting an even weighted strand yet, but I’m trying!

I’m using some of Abby Franquemont’s video’s off of youtube. So far, I’m not actually dropping the drop spindle in order to spin…rather spinning it in my hand, and moving the twist down the yarn….if that makes any sense.

If anyone wants to pop in and offer advice, please, please, please appear and speak your mind!!!

Also, did my FIRST intarsia *color work* AND first knitting on DPN’s *double point needles* this week!!!

See Courtney Knit!

See Courtney Knit!

Knit, Courtney, knit!

Knit, Courtney, knit!

Congrats Kris and Lyla, who are the proud recipients of my masterpeice!!!

Ta-da!!!

Ta-da!!!

I actually did a second baby hat for another friend’s baby and just have to weave in the ends so that one will be done! Man, I need to throw these things up on Ravelry!!! I’ve been slacking at uploading projects on there!

Well, I guess that about wraps up the past few weeks of knitting!

Favorite:

Hmm….this week I think I’ll have to go with Coconut Macaroons dipped in Chocolate from Bea the Baker. Simply AMAZING.

Coconut and chocolate, what could be better??

Coconut and chocolate, what could be better??

Those aren’t hers, persay, but you can see what I’m talking about. Every single time I go in to town, I try and get one. So if you’re ever in, around, about, or through Floyd VA, then STOP and get one!!!!!! You can find them at various locations on either side of Floyd’s single stoplight.

If you can’t make it out to Floyd, then see what you can find around you!!! Let me tell you, Bea’s are the best though!!!!

Onward!!!

Other Junk:

Not a lot of other stuff to report. Well, my best friend/accountant/running buddy/partner in crime/fave person ever came down….and helped get my financial mess in order.

Yes, folks, this is one in debt blogger.

Student loans piled up…along with some ill-timed tickets from the fuzz….and other life-type nonsense…and I find myself in the throes of debt and collections calls.

The good news is it’s not as bad as I thought!!! Miss Carly has helped me out…and set me straight! Hopefully by April all will be right in my finaicial world and I can stop stressing so much!!! But until then….we are on a complete and total spending freeze.

Meaning mom will get hit up for race entry fees and such. 🙂

Anyway, that’s life. It could be a lot worse!!!

Other news…the fiddling….is coming along. Right now I’m learning Angeline The Baker. Not too bad. I totally LOVE my fiddle though. My instructor is Mike Mitchell of the Floyd Music School, and let me tell you he is STELLAR.

I just wrote 2 paragraphs on how much I liked the lesson…so that’ll be next week’s favorite or shoutout. Point is, fiddling is going good. I can do the first 2 lines without really screwing up too bad. YAY!!!!

So in closing, we shall proceede to our….

Sperlific Shoutout:

This is the part where I go “Oh crap, Sperly tagged me for something. I should go do that thing she tagged me for”

So, first off, if you don’t know her, please go check out Sperly, my blogging/running/triathalon idol. 🙂 She is one of the most AWESOME chicks out there!!!

Second, she has tagged me for the Pay It Forward 7 Fun Facts deal….

Since this post is OH so long….I’m gonna go write those as a separate post and throw it up Wednesday or Thursday!

Go do my poll!!! Watch for the 7 Fun Facts, you may get tagged!!!!!!

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

January 3, 2010 at 8:16 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments
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Belated Merry Christmas!!!!! And I guess belated happy New Years as well!

So…I’m gonna do things a bit different. A little summary, if you will.

Well since we had the absurd amounts of snow, I was delayed in leaving. But Paco was ready to go. Packing himself up all on his own!

Well since we had the absurd amounts of snow, I was delayed in leaving. But Paco was ready to go. Packing himself up all on his own!

The absurd amount of snow...and the burried and abandoned cars along the highway.

The absurd amount of snow...and the burried and abandoned cars along the highway.

The Work Week:

N/A! WHOOO!!!!!!! Although I did do a small amount of planning, grading, and copy-making. Ugh. Moving on.

The Workout Week:

I RAN!!!!!!!! 2.5 miles on the Monday and Wednesday before Christmas…then one mile on new years!!!! GO ME!!!!!

Then there are the workout-related gifts!!

My favorite!!! I get one every year!

My favorite!!! I get one every year!

Well...it wasn't really a gift. I got it used from a friend. But YAY!!! However the display does not function...oh well.

Well...it wasn't really a gift. I got it used from a friend. But YAY!!! However the display does not function...oh well.

 I also got some socks, and shirts from One More Mile! Super exciting stuff!!!

The Knitting Week:

MAN I’ve been busy. Not only did I get a ton of super-fun knitty gifties, but I also finished a project! Aunt Sarah’s hat.

La Beret!

La Beret!Aunt Connie modeling the beret too. She wants one.

I got a swift!!! And a ball winder!!!! Dad made the swift. :)

I got a swift!!! And a ball winder!!!! Dad made the swift. 🙂

WIND BALLS WIND!!!! WIND BALLS WIND!!!!

 

All wound up!!! Guess I'll have to knit it so I can buy more stuff to wind! All wound up!!! Guess I’ll have to knit it so I can buy more stuff to wind!

 

What's that??? Malibrigo??! Mmmm.... What’s that??? Malibrigo??! Mmmm….
I love my family. Every knitter will understand the importance of clear zipper bags. Awesomeness. I love my family. Every knitter will understand the importance of clear zipper bags. Awesomeness.
What's that?!?!? A SPINDLE?!?!?! WHOOOOO!!!!!!! What’s that?!?!? A SPINDLE?!?!?! WHOOOOO!!!!!!!
And if you have a spindle...you're gonna need...WOOL!!!!!!! And if you have a spindle…you’re gonna need…WOOL!!!!!!!
MORE WOOL!!!!! MORE WOOL!!!!!
My first spinning attempt. I shall deem this a FAIL. My first spinning attempt. I shall deem this a FAIL.

 My pictures got a little discombobulated there…eh. Moving on.

Favorite:

Well…I’ll go with Christmas presents. Here’s a quick summary!

A voice recorder?!?! SO I CAN PODCAST!!!!!!!! WHOOO!!!!

A voice recorder?!?! SO I CAN PODCAST!!!!!!!! WHOOO!!!!

A lot of awesome UT stuff...too bad my team couldn't deliver the present I really wanted...

A lot of awesome UT stuff...too bad my team couldn't deliver the present I really wanted...

Lots of yummy books!!!!

Lots of yummy books!!!!I also bought Yarn Harlot *Which is freaking hysterical* and Women's Running with an awesome gift card I got. Other Junk:Well...here's the other junk. :)I bought myself yaxtrax....mmm.

And smartwool socks. Heaven.

And smartwool socks. Heaven.

Dad had eye surgery...again. Here's his awesome medicine schedule...for one day.

Dad had eye surgery...again. Here's his awesome medicine schedule...for one day.

The kids mostly got along!!!

The kids mostly got along!!!

Puppy love!!!

Puppy love!!!

Hemi had a squeaky tennis ball…and he punctured it. And got stuck. 🙂 Poor guy.

The 2009 Uncle Jimmy Present!!!

The 2009 Uncle Jimmy Present!!!

The awesome, yet fake, Home Depot pass I concocted. Heh.

The awesome, yet fake, Home Depot pass I concocted. Heh.

Jimmy and the aftermath of the present opening.

Jimmy and the aftermath of the present opening.

The only thing more entertaining than watching Uncle Jimmy open presents, is listening to Uncle Jimmy stories. I think…this one is about using pant legs to hold funnels? You never know with him. And you can never quite follow it…

Uncle Jimmy super-glued my present shut. Every part. All 1039230 boxes....

Uncle Jimmy super-glued my present shut. Every part. All 1039230 boxes....

We had a new years/football party!!!

We had a new years/football party!!!

Me and Miss Carly!!!

Me and Miss Carly!!!

Carly and Adam.

Carly and Adam. Me and the honey.

Sweet Little Shoutout:

Here’s to Nemo!! You…probably will never, ever, ever see this blog. But I love you and I was very brave and held you for the first time this week!!! GO AUNTIE COURTNEY!!!!!!!!!!

I heart my Nemo!!!!

I heart my Nemo!!!!

And for those of you looking at me like I’m crazy, no the kid’s name isn’t Nemo…but that’s what I’ve decided to call him. He is my best friend’s firstborn…so…I have to learn to like babies now.

That just about does it! Hope you guys had good holidays!!!!!

Up, Up and Away

January 3, 2010 at 4:50 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments
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It’s coming, I swear!!!!

As soon as the camera battery re-loads I’m going to do a massive Christmas/New Years post. HEAVY on the pictures.

And there may even be an Uncle Jimmy video or two!!!!!!! Hehe!

Hopefully post will appear later tonight! Keep your ear to twitter for updates!

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